


a haus reunited

by sapphee



Series: Overly Honest Methods: Hockey Science Edition [5]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: All relationships are slight again, F/M, M/M, Multi, Social Media, Texting, email, tweets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-05
Updated: 2016-08-05
Packaged: 2018-07-29 11:22:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7682530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphee/pseuds/sapphee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>let it go, bro</b> <span class="u">@brozen</span> ∙ 20 Apr 2017<br/><3</p><p><b>let it go, bro</b> <span class="u">@brozen</span> ∙ 20 Apr 2017<br/>that’s it. that’s all i’m going to say.</p><p><b>let it go, bro</b> <span class="u">@brozen</span> ∙ 20 Apr 2017<br/>FUCK THAT NVM it’s going to take forever to get this out of my hair but THAT WAS FUCKING AMAZING</p><p>[A brief interlude.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	a haus reunited

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE 10/24/16: This has been officially copy-edited. Biggest changes: making Bitty's lines use proper caps, adding a new line or two.
> 
> One more after this! Thanks for indulging me! :D
> 
> Check Please belongs to Ngozi, of course <3

** CHIRPP 2017 SCHEDULE **

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

**Title**

| 

**Presenters**

| 

**Time**  
  
---|---|---  
  
What What Hockey Butt: Effects of Diet and Exercise on Human Buttocks

| 

Nicholas and Jean-Claude

| 

9:50 am to 11:00 am  
  
Formulae Calculating Energy Released from Different Types of Cellies

| 

David and Michael

| 

11:10 am to 12:20 pm  
  
 

LUNCH (12:30 pm to 1:40 pm)

**Title**

| 

**Presenters**

| 

**Time**  
  
---|---|---  
  
Puck You Too: Hockey Superstitions

| 

Andrei and Vadim

| 

1:50 pm to 3:00 pm  
  
Another Look at the Zimmermann-Parse No-Look One-Timer

| 

Johannes and Onni

| 

3:10 pm to 4:20 pm  
  
Stanning for the Cup: Stanley Cup Wishes and Their Manifestations

| 

Leos and Petr

| 

4:30 pm to 5:40 pm  
  
 

Thursday, April 20, 2017

**Title**

| 

**Presenters**

| 

**Time**  
  
---|---|---  
  
Analysis of Hockey PR Stunts: Why Do Players Do What They Do?

| 

Solomon and Casper

| 

9:50 am to 11:00 am  
  
The Cup Runneth Over, But With What?: Reflections on Past Stanley Cup Celebrations

| 

Jakub and Viliam

| 

11:10 am to 12:20 pm  
  
 

LUNCH (12:30 pm to 1:40 pm)

**Title**

| 

**Presenters**

| 

**Time**  
  
---|---|---  
  
Eat More Protein: Making Protein-Rich Foods Palatable

| 

Hugo and Sigmund

| 

1:50 pm to 3:00 pm  
  
It’s a Date: Effects of Designated Attachment Training Exercises on Hockey Performance

| 

Ransom and Holster

| 

3:10 pm to 4:20 pm  
  
Homoeroticism in Hockey: A History

| 

Luca and Simon

| 

4:30 pm to 5:40 pm  
  
  
—

 **let it go, bro**  @brozen ∙ 20 Apr 2017

<3

 

 **let it go, bro**  @brozen ∙ 20 Apr 2017

that’s it. that’s all i’m going to say.

 

 **let it go, bro**  @brozen ∙ 20 Apr 2017

FUCK THAT NVM it’s going to take forever to get this out of my hair but THAT WAS FUCKING AMAZING

—

 **William James Jeremy Poindexter** is listed as being "in a relationship."

—  
Thu, Apr 20, 2017, 8:02 PM  
**Holtzy** has renamed the conversation **a**   **haus united**.

HOLTZY: Listen, I know it’s been kind of awkward, but

 **Bits** has renamed the conversation **a haus divided**.

HOLTZY: Fuck it. I’m bored and we have a five-hour car trip ahead of us and

 **Holtzy** has renamed the conversation **a haus united**.

HOLTZY: Rans is busy driving, but we were kind of wondering...

HOLTZY: Since the focus today (this year, lbr) has really been on Dexey

 **Bits** has renamed the conversation **a haus divided**.

HOLTZY: But did you ever g

HOLTZY: WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT BITS

BITS: Yours doesn’t accurately reflect us right now.

HOLTZY: Considering what happened today, I think it DOES.

 **Holtzy** has renamed the conversation **a haus reunited**.

BITS: Fine. Whatever. Do whatever you want. Considering that's what you did today, and I am saying that to ALL OF YOU.

BITS: ESPECIALLY YOU JACK.

JACK: Bits, I’m really, really sorry.

BITS: I know you are and I’m really touched by what you meant by it. Just not how you went about it. But you have press, and I have HW. Let's talk about it later.

DEX: Thanks, Holster. Sorry, Bitty.

NURSEY: [heart eyes emoji]

HOLTZY: ANYWAY, we were wondering if you ever did go on those dates? Like within the team in general? Because that was, you know, the whole point of the research????

WHISKEY: Yeah. Mostly it was just lunch with a random team member once a week.

DEX: Was that because all the Sin Bin $ went to, uh, us? God, sorry, we just completely forgot

NURSEY: that explains why tango kept asking me about eating lunch together back in feb

TANGO: we still never did???????

NURSEY: oh yeah

NURSEY: bc i kept forgetting and went to eat with dex <3

CHOWDER: no i think we kept it to lunch dates just because there are like more than 20 people to go on dates with and leaving campus for all of them would have been too time-consuming

DEX: At least the Sin Bin is all set for funding next year’s dates?

BITS: That is NOT FUNNY, DEX.

BITS: Those protein scientists are never going to talk to me again!

NURSEY: and there are all those petting zoo vouchers

DEX: OW DID YOU JUST THROW A COOKIE AT ME WHAT THE HELL

DEX: YOU WEREN’T EVEN LOOKING

NURSEY: i caught mine <3

BITS: Blame coach.

DEX: We’re at the back of the bus.

BITS: oh, i’m well aware

BITS: I’m not pleased with y’all. Except Chowder, but that’s because I can never get mad at Chowder.

CHOWDER: thanks bits! dex i caught my cookie too

DEX: you’re a goalie

CHOWDER: what about nursey then

CHOWDER: what’s your excuse there

DEX: Nursey just has soft hands or something.

NURSEY: ;) i dooooooooo

HOLTZY: FOINE

DEX: I know you don’t believe me, Bitty, but I really am sorry.

JACK: Me, too. So, so sorry.  

SHITS: are you sure you’re not pleased bits

SHITS: deedee’s bro bro, jackaroni and cheez-its, i was seriously turned on by your displays of aggression and justice and honor earlier today

SHITS: yours too chowder you are frankly dashing when you’re being protective

DEX: TMI

JACK: Please don’t be?

BITS: Yes. I am 110% sure I am not pleased.

HOLTZY: Rans says to say he spotted you partaking, Bits. And that it's quite possible that you're the one who discovered the right ratio that let everything spiral the way it did.

HOLTZY: HYPOCRITE THAT’S A FINE.

SHITS: i think that means you were the slightest bit pleased

SHITS: hold on lardo’s pulling over i think she wants to say something

LARDO: think about it bits. if that wasn’t the epitome of “got your back,” then what is?

—

 **Nora** has renamed the conversation **the mom trap**.

NORA: Hi Diamond, Jack just dropped us off at the hotel!

DEREK: oh yeah he told me. you’re dropping by samwell this weekend before you go back right?

MARI: Yep! Did you tell Will that we want to have dinner with him yet?

DEREK: yes

DEREK: he’s terrified

LANE: I think he’s sweet!! We all do. He should not be worried AT ALL

DEREK: even after what happened today?

NOELLE: ESPECIALLY after what happened today

NOELLE: You let that boy go again and I will make you eat so many loaves of asparagus bread and your pee will smell so bad you’ll get kicked off the team

NORA: Wow that’s a good one

DEREK: …that is not even remotely how getting kicked off the team works

DEREK: but um, noted

—

From: **Chris Chow** (+14156205412)  
To: **Eric Bittle** (+17707237256)  
Wed, 04/26/17

sorry bitty but cait’s friends from the daily (may and june) really really REALLY want us to write a guest article about the hockey science conference and it’s been almost a week and you never replied and they really need it soon for their “goodbye for the summer” issue

—

from: **Eric Bittle (via Google Drive)** <drive-shares-noreply@gmail.com>  
to: **Haus Family** <inthehaus@googlegroups.com>, **Kent Parson** <kitpurrson@gmail.com>, **Alexei Mashkov** <hahatinypotatoes@gmail.com>, **SMH 2016-2017** <samwellmenshockey1617@googlegroups.com>  
date: **Thurs, April 27, 2017, at 1:11 pm  
** subject: **CREASE Article for The Daily – Invitation to collaborate**

Eric Bittle has invited you to **edit** the following document:

**CREASE Article for The Daily**

> I know we’ve so far been Not Talking About It—mostly because you think I’m angry about it, and I am, because we did NOT need another reason for why everyone hates the hockey team, especially under my captaincy—but we as SMH were asked by Samwell’s paper, The Daily, to contribute to their very last issue of the 2016-2017 school year by writing an article about the hockey science conference. Kent, Tater, I’m including you in this as well because you were, uh. integral. To the conference’s… success. Consider yourselves (this goes for you, too, Jack) representatives of your respective teams when writing it up.  
>    
>  I’m not doing this because I want to torture you. This is for chowder, so take it up with him. Please finish up your sections by next Wednesday, the 3rd. If you don’t, you will never taste any of my baked goods ever again. This applies to current items on my to-bake list, which include celebration pastries for Dex, Nursey, Kent, Tater, Jack, and by extension, myself.  
>    
>  Also, I've asked the scientists whether they’d be willing to be contacted to answer questions. Here’s the contact info (@hockeyeh.org):
> 
> Nicholas + Jean-Claude: drunkcanadianscientists  
>  David + Michael: drunkamericanscientists  
>  Andrei + Vadim: drunkrussianscientists  
>  Johannes + Onni: drunkfinnishscientists  
>  Leos + Petr: drunkczechscientists  
>  Salomon + Casper: drunkswedishscientists  
>  Jakub + Viliam: drunkslovakscientists  
>  Hugo + Sigmund: drunkgermanscientists  
>  Luca + Simon: drunkswissscientists (not that you need theirs since we MISSED THAT ONE)
> 
> Here are the sections I’m assigning y’all:
> 
> Introduction: Tadpoles  
>  Falcs’ and Aces’ reasons for why the CREASE/CHIRPP is important: Tater, Kent  
>  Accessibility of the CHIRPP for non-fans: Nursey’s moms  
>  Hockey academia history: Jack  
>  Stand-out presentations/topics [choose any topic you’d like except for R&H’s, just make sure no one chooses the same thing! I’ve put what I picked in parentheses after my name]: Bitty (protein), Shitty, Lardo  
>  Samwell’s research contributions: Ransom and Holster  
>  Observations of Nursey and Dex’s on-ice assessment demos: Chowder  
>  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I’ll let Nursey and Dex handle the best part, since you have so much experience with it. Expulsion from the premises.  
>    
>  Copy-editing: Eggs.  
>  Everyone else: Submit accounts of your experience at the conference to supplement the writers’ stuff
> 
> Better get to it, folks. I’m already calculating how much Sriracha i can buy with what’s in the Sin Bin, thanks to WHAT HAPPENED AT THE CHIRPP.
> 
> ERB [halo emoji]
> 
> P.S. Congrats to everyone who repaired old or formed new relationships! I’m still mad at you.

—

from: **Eric Bittle (via Google Drive)** <drive-shares-noreply@gmail.com>  
to: **Marisol and Noelle Nurse-Díaz** <mariselle@gmail.com>, **Nora and Lane Malik-Oakes** <nora.and.lane@gmail.com>  
date: **Thurs, April 27, 2017, at 1:15 pm  
** subject: **CREASE Article for The Daily (Accessibility for Non-Experts) – Invitation to collaborate**

Eric Bittle has invited you to **edit** the following document:

**CREASE Article for The Daily (Accessibility for Non-Experts)**

> Hi everyone! <3 Samwell’s paper The Daily asked the team to write a guest article about the hockey science conference for their last issue of the year, and I was wondering if you wanted to take part (and have the time), because we’d like to have a section about how successful the CREASE was at making sure the topics/research findings/etc were accessible to people who are not familiar with the minutiae of hockey. Unfortunately, I only found out about writing the article today, and it needs to be done in a week. I know that’s short notice, so don’t feel pressured to do it! Just let me know whether you can, so that I can find someone else as soon as possible. :D  
>    
>  P.S. Regardless of whether you can do it, expect Derek to have some baked pastries for you when he goes home for the summer! <3

—

 **Deadspin** @Deadspin ∙ 27 Apr 2017

@LasVegasAces @ProvidenceFalcs @NHL it’s been a week and we still have nothing to report. help us out? confirm/deny rumors? #CHIRPP2017

 

 **Kent V. Parson**  @kparson90 ∙ 27 Apr 2017

@Deadspin i made a #youcanplay vid??

**The Providence Falconers**  @ProvidenceFalcs ∙ 27 Apr 2017

@Deadspin Here are the statements from #JackZimmermann and #AlexeiMashkov, in case you missed them! #YouCanPlay

 

 **The Providence Falconers**  @ProvidenceFalcs ∙ 27 Apr 2017

This is one of our favorites from Day 1 of the #CHIRPP2017! [GIF of one of Dex and Nursey’s live demonstrations; Dex and Nursey are blindfolded and passing pucks to each other effortlessly, even though their body postures are stiff and they look stony-faced]

 

 **Las Vegas Aces**  @LasVegasAces ∙ 27 Apr 2017

#CHIRPP2017 And this is one of ours: [GIF of Tater trying, but failing, to pass a puck to Nursey while blindfolded; still blindfolded, Tater throws his hockey stick straight into the net]

 

 **Kent V. Parson**  @kparson90 ∙ 27 Apr 2017

and mine #chirpp2017: [GIF of Parse and Dex ~~struggling to~~ completing a three-legged lap around the rink]

 

 **Buzzfeed Sports** @BuzzfeedSports **∙** 27 Apr 2017

Twenty Shots You Don’t Want to Miss of #JackZimmermann et al. Leaving the #CHIRPP2017 Covered in Goopy Substances: bzfd.it/yrfavwdnvr

 

 **Buzzfeed Sports** @BuzzfeedSports **∙** 27 Apr 2017

#AlexeiMashkov, #KentParson, and #JackZimmermann Come Out, and It’s Amazing [image of a shyly smiling Tater, a pleased Kent, and a grim-faced Jack; all are covered in goop]

 

 **Deadspin** @Deadspin ∙ 27 Apr 2017

pap shots. security footage. conspiracy theories. anything???? hit us up #CHIRPP2017

—

 **Eric Richard Bittle** went from being “in a relationship” to “engaged."

**Author's Note:**

> The countries the scientists are from are countries where hockey is popular. I think.
> 
> P.S. Bitty's tone changes so drastically wrt talking to the team vs. talking to Nursey's moms :P


End file.
